I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl