[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats