[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
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The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park