A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: