Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
relationship goals
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here