Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.