I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Sign of the day..
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”