No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I think I’ll stand
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The best plant holders?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Thinking about Jeff