I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Is this you?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: