So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it