Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Does beer think about me too?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.