Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
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wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
me when the borders lift
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”