he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
j o i m p
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I hate my earbuds.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.