HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together