When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.