I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
You Might Also Like
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Fidel Castro was alive?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I only eat vegetarians.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.