Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
c’mon!
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.