I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My dad is at it again
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Phones down.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent