Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“A little help here, Danny?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink