Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
This sounds bad:
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids