Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.