You Might Also Like
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.