Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
U talkin 2 me?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT