*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Finally, an explanation.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery