Oh boy, $150,000!
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
m’lady
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
He just like my cat fr
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket