[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
#polloftheday
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT