how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
You Might Also Like
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.