One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
But is it really??
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.