I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
You Might Also Like
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Harsh but fair
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
lol
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Your secret is safeish with me
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.