Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.