Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
This is my emotional support knife.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
HELP 😭
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”