Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I