“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
🙁
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.