[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.