my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster