Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I’m being attacked 😭
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.