I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
You Might Also Like
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies