I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter