My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
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Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
forgive me baja for i have blast
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently