What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.