Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
They’re called werewolves.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes