hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.