Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I laughed at this way too hard.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.