You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
それは草
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.