If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.