“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever