[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
You Might Also Like
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?