[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out