My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work