Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him